Murder, Fornication & Calculated Chaos
by AmGT
Summary: Joker tells a dark, quirky little anecdote, from his POV, about murder, fornication and calculated chaos.


"Where do I start? It was nearly a month ago...no-no-no-no. Let me start again."

"Maybe it was the time of year, I've always had a hard time staying cheerful in spring. Or perhaps it was the fact that my last attempt to educate Batsy Boy about the true meaning of life had failed miserably, sending nine of my subordinates to jail. Whatever it was that had me down in the dumps, I had found a short, momentary distraction. For the last few days, I had been held up in a shabby little safe house off the corner of Bensonhurst and Emory in the company of a young dame. I know, I know. Not what you were expecting to hear but what can I say. I have needs, mind you. Not the needs of your average everyday man, but needs none the less. And right then those needs consisted of food and fornication."

"But it's not as all bad as it sounds, the story does get better. Darker. Violent. Just wait."

"I'd known, let's see, we'll call her Dame. I'd known Dame longer than I care to admit. You know, most of my interactions with ladies are comprised of them screaming at the end of my .38. But Dame, she was different. The first time we met, I witnessed her literally beat a man to death. Why? I never asked. It wasn't my business but I knew right away she was exceptional. So, naturally I offered her a low-key job, keeping an eye on one of the city council members, who at the time I was trying to pressure into voting a certain way...Long story short, she gladly took the job."

"After hiring her it was brought to my attention that Dame's real skill was behind the wheel or what we, in the business, call a driver. And she was good. Naturally, she became my personal driver for any and every job I did. To my surprise, she was willing to oblige my every whim and I actually enjoyed her company. Thus began the habit of keeping her around even when a driver wasn't needed."

"Now, I know that even though it may sound like we hopped into bed right away, it was nothing of the sort. I'm a true gentleman and it takes more than mere big beautiful eyes, curves and a great sense of humor to bed little old me. I'm the Joker and well, it takes proper courtship."

"Of course, that leaves us at the part where I say 'and you know how these things go... one thing leads to enough and poof. The next thing you know you're rolling under the sheets with the help.' Well, as much as I hate to admit it, it was just like that. You see, there's a reason why that saying exists. I have to confess, the sexual tension between us had been building up from the start but, like I said earlier, courtship is important. So, once our libidos started, well..."

"Anyway, I'm rambling. And, you see, the story I want to tell really begins with me laying there, watching Dame sleep..."

"I remember thinking something along the lines of 'the poor girl actually trusts me enough to sleep beside me.' Ha. But it's not as if I hadn't been honest with her from the beginning. I very distinctly remember telling her 'Dame, sweetheart. Stick with me long enough and Ole Joker'll be the death of you _'."_

"So continuing... I rolled over onto my back and tucked my arm under my head as I continued to ponder on life's silly little jokes. I suppose looking back on it I can see now why she would have assumed I was humoring her at the time _._ The truth was, as much as I enjoyed her company, she knew too much to survive me."

"At some point I dosed off, waking up a few hours later to find her cuddled up against my chest. Her hair was in my face, it smelled like honeysuckle. I took a deep breath and allowed the scent to linger in my nose before brushing her hair off to the side. My touch made her slightly fidget in her sleep and she involuntarily rubbed her nose. Her hand remained resting on my chest. I remembered a time when even her fair skin appeared so faux and strange next to my ghostly skin. That was no longer the case, her skin next to mine was a normal, a common sight to me."

"It was at that point that I'd decided that I'd become too accustomed, too attached to this delicate creature. She had to go. Now, I couldn't just kill her and dump her in an alley somewhere, oh no. Dame was one of a kind and she the deserved, no demanded something worthy of her refinement. So, I would do her the honor of planning out her death with time and effort. Put my true methodology into it. After all, it was the least I could do for someone who I actually liked."

"The decision sent a wave of excitement through my body, almost making me giddy. I immediately shifted and pushed her off of me. Rolling slightly over with her just enough so I was hovering over top of her. I traced the profile of her face with a single finger. She gently woke up from my action and instantly greeted me with a soft smile. I'm sure I was grinning down at her. There was no way I couldn't have been, knowing that I was about to have her for the last time."

"I continued to let my finger trace her profile, pass her chin and down the curve of her neck. With a gentle forcefulness I wrapped my hand around her throat, coaxing a low moan from her. Mercy, how did I find one so gorgeous and sadistic at the same time? Lucky me, I know. This would be the part of the show where I looked to the audience, grinned and give the old up and down brow movement. Ha. So, her body arched under me. What a shame this was going to the last time I'd get to touch that body. So, I got to work with urgency."

"I started by biting at her skin, making my way down her body and back up. As I neared her neck she tilted her head back, allowing me access to her throat. Now, at this point I feel the need to point out that I'm no kisser. Kissing creates a bond that's too hard to break, I've never cared for it. But seeing that my mind was made up about the fate of this little minx under me, I decided to give her something to remember me by. I nibbled my way up her throat and playfully bit her chin. For a moment I stared at her, wondering if she even recalled that I had warned her that I'd kill her one day. I hovered over her face, lowering my lips. Not low enough to kiss her yet but low enough to make her anticipate what was about to happen. I made the moment liger, stretching it out as long as possible; hoping to make her think, that perhaps, I felt a certain special kind of way about her. It was cruel, I know."

"Then I gave it, the first kiss I'd had in years. You know, hehe, it's funny how somethings you just don't forget how to do, like riding a bike or swimming. Well, kissing was the same way. Thinking back, I may have even surprised myself at how passionate that first kiss turned out. Oh, but never mind that."

"As I continued my last crusade with Dame there was no holding back. Once I'd dazzled her with a kiss I quickly manhandled her over onto all fours. She was so willing, head low and ass high. It was quite the beautiful sight. I could feel her anticipation as I moved my hand down her back, following her spine. And,you know... since honestly is the best policy, I myself was excited. My erection pushed against my boxers, begging to come out and play. I allowed my hand to slip over the curve of her hips, down her rump and under. It's always pleasing and self-gratifying went you find out just how excited you've made someone. And she was excited, dripping wet. My grin and erection enlarged."

"I found myself quickly twirling off the bed to remove my boxers. Dame turned and with a snap of my fingers I ordered her to stay where she was and not to move. Oh, oh. The dear girl listened so well, she always did. I heard a giggle come from her as she put her head back down and slightly lifted her hips in a teasing manner. I wasted no timed crawling back over the sheets and resuming my position behind this exquisite piece of ass waiting on me. I allowed my hips to bump against her raised backside, rubbing my throbbing member against her. She returned the gesture, with moan."

"I allowed my , hee-he, well you know... to tease as I leaned over her, biting her shoulder blades playfully. When she tossed her head back I grabbed her throat and coaxed her into sitting up with me. My erection was still bobbing and rubbing between her thighs as I groped her body, my hand tightening around her neck with every second of anticipation. I knew what she wanted. I could feel her grinding down onto my cock, hoping that I'd soon grant her the pleasure of entering her. She moaned as I gave her another bite, this time I didn't hold back, digging my teeth in with a playfully viciousness her that drove her wild."

"Pain being pleasure is something a lot of people can't understand but not me, not Dame, ha-ha, not even Batss. Even he understands the joys of feeling pain course through your body. Oh, the Bat. I'd like to have him on all fours but tis, tis. That truly is a story for another time."

"With a shove she went back to all fours and I mounted her. Never slowing from the start. What can I say, I'm a man of action and I demand a certain level of intensity. The deep, forcefully in and out had her bracing against the headboard of the bed even as I held her hips firmly in place. But I knew, right from the start, there was no way I'd last for any reasonable amount of time like this. It just felt too good. And I'm not a selfish man, no. No, no one could ever claim that about the Joker. In fact, it's quite the opposite, I enjoy giving. So, I immediately stopped and with a few adjustments I had Dame turned over onto her back in a matter of seconds."

"While most people look at me and cringe. Dame didn't. She never did, even when we first met. She'd always lit up as soon as she saw me; her bright eyes twinkling with devotion. I almost hated that she had to go."

"I moved on top of her, between her thighs. Lifting her knees, while allowing her to wrap her arm around my neck and pulling me down closer to her. The timing was so perfect, that I found myself donning her with another kiss as a penetrated her again. I admit, when I finally pushed back inside of her, I groaned out of pleasure. Her warmth engulfing my erection felt euphoric. I immediately began rolling my hips, setting a nice moderate rhythm we both could enjoy. Then I moved on to the real fun, and from the look on her face, she too was anticipating the next step."

"Her lips parted and a soft gasp exited as I began to choke her. She tilted her head even more, pushing her throat against my hand. Her teeth scraped over her bottom lip as she tried to express her pleasure."

"'Harder' was all she could choke out."

"A whispered demand or soft plead? It didn't matter, I obliged her willing. I squeezed my fingers, proceeding to tighten them against her esophagus. I watched, almost starry-eyed, as she took it with poise. I knew her limits, releasing her throat before she truly needed any air. This was all silly fun and games for the both of us."

"Suddenly, she grabbed my hair and gave it a vicious tug that made me grin. I returned the gesture with a bite on her shoulder, making her growl out with painful pleasure. All the while, I maintained a steady thrust of my hips. By the end, we'd both be bleeding from bite marks and sporting bruises. Sex with Dame always left me satisfied, truth be told, probably just as satisfied as actually killing."

"Any. Way."

"Now, don't be so disappointed. I did, after all, give you a little taste of what intimacy with the Joker is like, just as promised. So, there we were. Naked. Sweaty. Bleeding. Content. All smiles. I, of course, was still reeling with the ideas and visions of how I was going to send my favor little lady off on her trip behind that veil of the unknown."

"I'm not sure how long I laid there thinking about it but finally it hit me that I had to start work on everything. Quickly I showered. Then hurried her along and out the door, letting her know just how much I had truly enjoyed her company. I really had enjoyed it, I'm a sincere man."

"I told her, 'there's some work of the uttermost importance I have to complete and when I'm done, I'll contact you.'"

"I rallied the troops, called in the boys and got to work. I made Harry top dog on this endeavor; putting him in charge of all the arrangements. As far as he knew this was going to be just another lesson about life for the Bat and Dame would simply be needed for the driving. I set up shop in an old abandon apartment build that had an old rundown eatery on the first floor. I chose the spot because of its close proximity to the bridge and river front. It was due for demolition in a few months but for now it was perfect. I needed to be close to the action when it all went down."

"It didn't take long to get everything in order for, what we were calling Steal-mobile, a name that would soon live up to its promise. Of course, at this point I still had my plan to kill Dame but I, and I, alone knew what the real plan was. The idea was Dame would steal the batmobile and take it for a joyride; a trip through Gotham, causing as much damage as possible. Hence the reason for all the planning involved. I hired some of the best computer hackers to figure out a way to keep the Bat from taking control of his toy once we'd claimed it."

"I'd triple checked everything, making sure that Harry had done everything in his power to do right by me. After being thoroughly impressed with his progress and pleased with the way things were headed I called Dame. I told her to arrive a day early before the actually job with the understanding that I would explain it all to her. I assured her it would be the job of a life time, something she'd never forget. After all, I am a man of my word. So, the day came that Dame was due to arrive. She had taken a small job in Bludhaven, with my blessing of course. She told me she would drive down to Gotham and arrive by 7 that evening. Her timing was nearly perfect."

"As I watched her car pull into the dilapidated parking lot located across the street of the building I was in, I became excited. The events that would unfold tomorrow night we're going to be legendary and it was all for her and the Bat, of course. Her curvy frame emerged from the car and started to move across the lot. She glanced toward the upper floors, where I was. She could've have seen me, I was far enough back from the window but I could see her bright smile as she looked. I put down my binoculars for a moment, moved closer to the window and started to watch her again. She wore all black, as normal except for the bright red frame glasses of hers. You know the ones, yes? The way she moved was something of beauty, a nice sway to and frow with the confidence of, well, me. It truly would be ashamed to see such a creature depart but thems the breaks, kid."

"Seeing her cross the street, I turned from the window and hurried to ready myself. I knew Harry would meet her down stairs and bring her up. I quickly looked over all the goodies and then sat down in an armchair near the unlit fire place. I waited. I could feel the excitement about to boil over in me as I heard the two of them coming closer. My heart rate might have even double when I heard the door knob turn. And then, there they were. Harry stood back, holding the door open and Dame came in, happy to see me."

"I treated her no different than I normally would have. All business. She had a way about keeping the fun and games out of the business end of our arrangement. Something a man, like myself, could absolutely admire. I explained the plan. Her face beamed with joy when I told her I wanted her to steal the batmobile. She immediately agreed to my terms. I explained how the boys would draw the Bat out with a series of faux crimes. While they kept the Bat busy, my hire hackers would ready the batmobile's computer system so she took slip behind the wheel. The Bat would, of course, pursue in order to stop her. That's when she would lead him toward the bridge where the cops would be waiting. Thinking that the Bat had finally gone off the deep end, fell of his rocker, it was anybody's guess what they might do."

"The plan was paramour. It probably would have worked too...but I'll get to that later. So, after an hour or so of business I sent Harry out to fetch dinner for the two of us. I must admit, at this point I had begun to second guess my decision from the last time I'd seen her. As I watched her studied the map on the wall of the route I wanted her to take in the batmobile, I couldn't help but think about the possibility of bedding her, just one more time; for old times' sake."

"Once she was done memorizing her route she took a seat at my desk. Resting her elbows on the desk, she removed the driving gloves she'd been wearing and tossed them down. I watched as she immediately took her pinky and wiggled it against the thin finger duster she always wore. Yes. Thinking back on it now, It was right then that I decided I'd sleep with her one more time, if she'd have me."

"Perhaps she was thinking the same thing because the entire time through dinner she smirked at me in a way I'd never really seen before. Our conversation was cheerfully and dark. She shared a story about the driving job she had taken; a nasty little tale that resulted with the death of two bystanders. I laughed for a solid ten minutes. Once we were done with our food I had to take a few phone calls and deal with a subordinate who was having second thoughts about tomorrow night."

"Dame happily watched as I told the young fellow that everything would be fine, that there was nothing to worry about, cold feet were a normal reaction when going toe to toe with the Bat, as I fingered my boutonniere and reassured him all would be forgiven. Unfortunately for him, forgiven and death are not the same. You can be killed and forgiven. I ran my finger over the small knob behind my boutonniere and pressed it. The hiss from the release of pressure made me grin. Acid hit the young man, causing him to yell and kick, flounder around on the floor for a few moments before going still. It never seems to take them too long before they go into shock. A very painful way to go, if you ask me; acid in the face, in the eyes, down the throat."

"Hahaha."

"As you can imagine, the added bonus of a kill, on top of my already giddy mood made the perfect moment to act. After calling Harry up to remove the body, I moved in on Dame like a predator on its prey. She had no objections."

"I cornered her against a wall, whispering devious little acts of violence mixed with kinky tales of things I'd like to do to her. I must admit, I was even making myself incredibly needy with my own words. Her hands slipped inside my purple long tail and rested just above my waist. I could feel her fingers curling under the edge of my vest while gripping at my shirt. I could tell exactly what ideas and suggestions excited her by the force of her clenching. Considering the poor dear's date with death, I figured what the hell; why not make today a little extra out of the ordinary. We'd both enjoy it, no doubt."

"Once I'd figured I'd gotten her hot and bothered, I simply averted my attention momentarily. I took a seat in the arm chair before motioning for her to come toward me. She did, arriving on her knees. I had no objections as she coaxed me into scooting my hips toward the edge of the chair, allowing for better access as she unbuckled my belt and then my trousers. It was divine having her mouth move gracefully along my erection. The warm, wet sucking sensation with her tongue dancing effortlessly around my shaft, well, as you can see...just thinking about it makes me grin from ear to ear."

"Anyway. Enough of that, there's just too much to discuss to get stuck on just one activity."

"Later that night, after having taken a break from the exchanging of favors, we slept for a few hours. I woke up to Dame reading, some dusty paperback she found abandoned in the room we had decided to nap in. I must have watched her read for a solid fifteen minutes before she realized I was awake beside her. Those ridiculously large glasses of hers shifted up as her nose curled from the grin she gave me. I returned the grin by playfully poking the end of her nose with my index finger. You see, at the time I truly had no clue what she was up to."

"I made small talk by inquiring what she was reading and then suggested she read it aloud to me. Once she began I slipped my hand under the sheets and over her hip. The touch of fingers crawling pass the edge of her undergarment caused her to pause from the reading and glance over at me. I grinned and urged her to continue on. Her tone pitched as I touched certain spots of sensitivity, teasing with the utter most joy brewing within me. Hearing her stumble over words, unable to concentrate, due to the simple movement of my fingers alone...well, that can really do wonders for a guy's self-esteem. I found myself becoming intrigued by her inability to just ignore my fondling fingers. When her near gratification became too much, causing her perusal to stop, I would stop; refusing to continue unless she continued."

"Soon enough, she'd had all she could endure. The book was tossed clear across the room, making me lift my eyebrow. With a hard shoved I found myself on my back with Dame on top of me. I permitted it. She was adjusting both myself and herself with urgency and within seconds I let out a deep moan. Even after all the activities from earlier in the evening, the sensation of her on my erection was nearly breath taking. I shamelessly tucked my hands behind my head and with a grin enjoyed the ride, quite literally. In the middle of my enjoyment I carelessly started to think about the planned mayhem that was now, mere hours away. The idea of creating chaos, tangoing with the Bat and murdering the minx on top of me, oh my, it put my mind in such a state of excitement that I admittedly almost lost my composure rather quickly."

"And there's was no way I'd allow that, no, no, no. You see, I'm a man who feels if you do anything, you do it right. And well, ha-ha, I consider myself an exceptional inamorato, a truly accomplished lover. With a push and spin, I flipped Dame over and took command. I cleared my mind and recomposed my thoughts. It was right then that the knife appeared. At first, I assumed it was all for show and play, after all, we had actually been there and done that not so long ago...if you get my drift. I grinned, grabbed her by the throat, you know, to add to the ambience and then proceed to keep my slow rhythm. The whole situation was agreeable, at least I thought so, until the knife stank into my left shoulder about three inches. Mind you, I didn't actually feel the blasted thing until Dame was pulling it out."

"She had missed her mark the first time. I had unexpectedly shifted, lowed my body, causing her aim to miss my heart. Oh, its poetic isn't? Positively just the perfect ironic twist, I couldn't have done any better if I'd planned it myself. I was caught off guard, with my pants down, quite literally. Dame went after me again, stabbing at me. I managed to restrain her arm and remove the knife from her grip."

"At this point I was no longer showing any vigilance as I strangled the dear girl. Between you and me, the whole assassination attempt really created a new kind of sexual tension. Dame could feel it too. What a shame, pity really. Oh, the fun we could have finished having that night. Oh, but never mind that. I continued to squeeze the life out of that disreputable, treacherous, impudent coquette."

"Once the lack of oxygen started making Dame panic, a struggle broke out between the two of us. She lost. By the time I was done, she was knocked out cold, laying there on the floor. I took the liberty of taping her hands and feet. I didn't gag the dear until she woke up an hour later and started begging, pleading. Telling me that she didn't have a choice, it was forced upon her. Sung like a bird she did. So, naturally after hearing what she had to say I found myself with an itch. Oh, and I do love to scratch."

You sat there, knowing it was over; the Joker had simply walked into your hideout, killed every single goon you had working for you. The girl, Dame as he called her had ratted you out, spilled the beans about your blackmailing of her. The very blackmailing that convinced her into trying to kill the Joker for you. The funny thing is, if not for you, she would have died by the hand of Joker anyway. In a horrible way, you imaged.

You were left pretty speechless by the Joker's long story, finally you muster up a question, "How did you kill her?"

The Clown grinned and finally took a seat in front of you. He'd been pacing back and forth the whole time as he told his tale of why he was there to kill you.

"Oh, that. Well, you see..." He crossed his legs. "I continued on with the plan of stealing the flying rodent's car. As I'm sure you saw on the news and in the papers, yes?"

The smugness on the clown's face was profuse. You shook your head yes. Of course you heard about the Joker taking control of the Batman's car, everyone in the country had. It was done by remote; a few hackers, hired by the Joker, had done the deed. After killing them, the madmen took control of the batmobile and proceed to wreak havoc through the street of Gotham for nearly two hours.

"You see, I was planning on taking control of the batmobile all long. Silly girl was never going to get to drive it. She was going to be the stooge. She and the Bat's toy would have gone to a watery grave together but I'm afraid she took a nap with the fish, by her little lonesome." Joker paused for a long manic laugh. "It was quite the sendoff, if I do say so myself."

You watched as the clown continued to laugh, and then he abruptly stopped and started to finger his boutonniere.

"Well, I'm afraid this is where I leave you. It's been a pleasure." The Joker grinned and the last thing you heard was the hiss of acid.


End file.
